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Someone asked a Zen Master, "My mind is full of troubles. How do I get rid of them?"
The Zen Master replied, "Take good care of your mind."
This advice may sound easy, but it is definitely a challenge to take it up.
Many people said, "I am a kind-hearted person, and I know I have to be gentle when speaking. But I will flare the moment my temper is beyond my control."
Especially when troubles arise, most people know that they are at fault, but people would still point fingers and blame it on others with a righteous attitude. This is when more troubles are created. It was usually an unintentional mistake right from the start. However, since the mistake was made, some people accepted it and even justified themselves for making the mistake. This is when more mistakes are made.
A woman once told me in tears: "I always envy how the other families live harmoniously, unlike my family, always fighting non-stop. The moment my husband and children come home, the fight will start. I couldn't take it anymore, so I started yelling and talking loudly. I never feel peaceful at home, so how can I enjoy a happy family life?"
I asked her, "Do you always refuse to give in to others?"
She replied, "Why should I? I am not at fault."
I asked further, "Does your husband have a bad temper?"
She replied, "Actually, he is not bad-tempered. It's just that he has a hard time at work, and when he gets home and hears the loud noises created by my children and me, he starts losing his temper."
I then asked, "Is it your children's fault?"
She replied, "No. The children are very stressed with their schoolwork. When they get home from school and see their parents fighting with each other, they get irritated."
I told her, "It's precisely because no one is at fault in your family, so everyone has their reasons to justify their wrongdoings and hence the fighting."
After hearing what I said, she seemed to come to a realization. After some time, she told others, "Everyone in my family now admits their "mistakes", so now we are living happily every day."
It turned out that she confessed to her husband and said: "In the past, I had been very ignorant, and I always wanted to justify everything. I did not consider the fact that you are stressed from work, and yet you still had to endure all the unpleasant incidences. When you come home from work, I agitated you further. So, I shouldn't blame you for talking at the top of your lungs. From now on, we should communicate harmoniously so that our children can study peacefully."
Her husband was surprised and felt touched at the same time. He said: "Although I have suffered a lot from grievances, you have also been working very hard to keep our home neat and clean and make it so cosy and comfortable. I should thank you for that. It's just that as soon as I saw your unpleasant facial expression, I decided to swallow back those words of gratitude and choose to pick fault with you instead. I am at fault, too."
Both husband and wife admitted their mistakes to each other and promised never to disrupt the peace and unity in the family anymore. The children now feel at ease and peaceful at home and naturally became respectful towards their parents and also made a lot of progress in their school work.
The woman also said, "Now our whole family is willing to admit mistakes, and whoever makes a slight mistake, you will hear: "Please pardon me for my poor manners."
When a ball lands on a quilt, it cannot bounce. But if it hits a hard floor, it bounces even higher. As long as we are willing to use the soft approach to get along with others, we will not face any conflicts no matter what happens.
Arguing loudly is shameless as you failed to take good care of your mind. If you must justify and fight for everything, the more you fight, the more trouble you will create for yourself. When your mind is confused, your thought will be in a whirl, and such a chaotic state of mind will lead to bad karma. If you genuinely want to be a kind and nice person, you must first take good care of your mind."
Translated by Michelle Lim Cheng Wai
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